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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29373885">the wind was blowing backwards</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/koolmcr/pseuds/koolmcr'>koolmcr</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us (Video Games)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bisexual Female Character, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Homosexuality, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian Character</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:01:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,492</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29373885</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/koolmcr/pseuds/koolmcr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It wasn't like that was the first time she'd ever been called that. It happened in military school a few times. But none of those kids had the balls to say it to her face. None of them looked at her like she was wrong.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cat/Ellie (The Last of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>82</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the wind was blowing backwards</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>gonna be real; i really like works that discuss homophobia, internalized or other. I know it isnt the happy world we escape to fiction for, but it's very...true to me. like being a lesbian, especially a butch lesbian, that's what i gotta deal with. anywho that's why it comes up and why i'm writing about it here.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As they're walking down the street, Cat takes Ellie's hand. It's not the first time she's ever done it, but Ellie's still a little shy. She doesn't take to threading their fingers together as they touch. They're not really going anywhere. Just enjoying the early evening ambiance of the town winding down. </p><p>Cat's grip tightens as she moves her head and places her lips on Ellie's cheek. It makes the light eyed girl blush and smile big as she gives a sideways gaze to her girlfriend, who's beaming herself. </p><p>"You're so damn cute, El. You know that?"</p><p>Ellie rolls her eyes. "Pfft. Yeah right."</p><p>"I'm serious. Who would've thought that in this hell world there were still girls as cute as you."</p><p>"<em>Stop</em>."</p><p>The dark haired girl gives a coy grin. "I dunno. You're even cuter when you're all flustered." She moves ahead of Ellie a pace and plants a quick peck on her lips. All the auburn haired girl can do is smile, smile, smile. </p><p>"Fuckin' dykes."</p><p>Cat whips around with fury flashing in her eyes, searching for the owner of those gruff words. He's not hard to find, with dark eyebrows and tousled hair mere feet away from them. </p><p>Ellie's never seen this guy around before. But she swears she's never seen someone with so much hate in their eyes. </p><p>"Excuse me?" Cat nearly hisses the words, maybe purposefully trying to spit on the man. </p><p>He steps forward, getting in the dark haired girl's face. </p><p>"I don't know why they let a bunch of lesbians in this town. What're you doing to help out, huh?"</p><p>"What the fuck are you doing? Harassing some teenage girls? Fuck off, dude."</p><p>Cat flips him off as she tugs at Ellie's hand and they start off in the other direction. The grip Cat has is almost crushing as she all but stomps away. The man isn't following them as far as Ellie can tell. She feels stuck. Dumb. Like in a dream. It isn't until they're outside her door that the light eyed girl speaks. </p><p>"What was that guy's problem?"</p><p>"He's just a fucking homophobe. You'd think they would've all died out by now. But no. The world fucking ended and they're sitting all cushy in a town where all they have to worry about is giving us shit."</p><p>Ellie frowns and opens the door, Cat still stomping. Still angry. Pacing around Ellie's living room. Ellie doesn't really know what to do. She doesn't really feel mad like her girlfriend. She can't really place the sickness in the middle of her stomach. </p><p>It wasn't like that was the first time she'd ever been called that. It happened in military school a few times. But none of those kids had the balls to say it to her face. None of them looked at her like she was <em>wrong</em>. Like she was the most disgusting piece of shit and guts ever to stench the street. </p><p>Maybe she was. <em>Wrong</em>. And that's why the guy looked at her like that, sneered the word <em>dyke</em>. </p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>She looks down and fiddles with her fingers, as always. </p><p>Cat stops and looks at the girl, grimacing. "Ellie, why are you sorry? You didn't do anything wrong."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>"Do you?"</p><p>The dark eyed girl takes a step, directly into Ellie's space. "You didn't do anything wrong, babe. He's a bigot. Who gives a fuck about what he thinks."</p><p>"I don't know. We're gonna see him around again eventually." </p><p>"So?"</p><p>"So what if he starts something?"</p><p>"He won't. Guys like that are all bark. Even if he does, we'll kick his ass. Or we'll get your old man or Maria or someone to deal with him."</p><p>Ellie sighs, moving to sit on the couch and putting her head in her hands. </p><p>"Did you see how he looked at us?" </p><p>Cat nods. "I know. It sucks." She sits beside the light eyed girl, putting an arm around her. "People like that, they don't matter." </p><p>"If they don't matter, why'd you get so mad about it?"</p><p>"I don't want people to call me that. I don't want people to call <em>you</em> that. I don't want anyone to make us feel like shit over who we are. What gives them the right, you know? We've survived just like them."</p><p>She pecks at Ellie's cheek, but the auburn haired girl stares into space as she tries to put the pieces all together. She's right to Cat. She's wrong to that dude. She's been wrong to other people to varying degrees. But she doesn't <em>feel</em> wrong. It doesn't feel wrong to be with Cat. Nothing has ever felt more right. </p><p>But those people on the opposition, they can't jump into her life. They can't understand how it feels from the outside. They can't just see her girlfriend and her kiss and think it's cute or sweet or that it just <em>is</em>. </p><p>She wishes she could know, feel how wholly stupid and unfair it is like Cat seems to. But some of it is seeping into her. </p><p>Ellie's a <em>dyke</em>. </p><hr/><p>The market space is a little quieter on this day. Fine by her. Ellie hates trekking into town, even with Dina and their son by her side. </p><p>They've made the day of it, leaving the farm early and shutting the sheep in just in case. It's about noon as they meander towards the butcher. Dina said she wanted to spoil her and get something already skinned and cleaned. JJ walks in the middle of them, swinging both of their hands in his small ones. </p><p>"What're you in the mood for? I think they have <em>cow</em>."</p><p>"D, could we even afford that?"</p><p>"Who cares! It's my treat for my wife. Plus, this little goober's never had beef, has he?" Dina lifts him up and saddles him to her side. Thankfully he's still small enough to be carried, but the dark haired woman's back isn't what it used to be. </p><p>"Beef?" JJ questions, unsure.</p><p>Ellie chimes in, "Yup. From a cow. You remember what the cow says?"</p><p>"Moo!"</p><p>She pokes at his cheek and smiles. "Yeah! Good job, Potato. You're a smarty pants."</p><p>"Moo, moo, moo, moo!" JJ wiggles in Dina's arms. </p><p>"Ah. Looks like he's turning into a calf, Ellie dear."</p><p>"Better not feed him any beef, then."</p><p>As they're looking through the cuts, a voice hits Ellie's ears. </p><p>"Oh great. The dykes are here."</p><p>She feels her blood get hot and she turns. Some scraggly man with patchy facial hair leers at her from across the way. He's giving her that <em>wrong</em> look. </p><p>"Why don't you go back to that farm o' yours and munch some carpet, fuckin' queer."</p><p>The butcher, Dina, and JJ fade into the background as she storms the few yards to him. "What the fuck did you just say?"</p><p>His breath smells like shit as he gets into Ellie's face. "You like takin' good women and turning them into dykes?"</p><p>Some of his talking spit gets on her cheek. She can't take it. Her arm reacts faster than her brain, her fuller fist connecting with his jaw. His ass hits the ground as Dina's rushing over. </p><p>"Ellie! Ellie, stop."</p><p>The light eyed woman's knuckles are starting to bruise, hand shaking. She turns with her wife's arm on her back as they start to walk off. </p><p>"Yeah, you better run. I'll fuck you up!"</p><p>Ellie wants to turn back around and beat him further into the ground, but Dina beats her to it as she whips her head to the man's skinny form. "Go to the clinic and then go find something better to do, asshole." </p><p>She scoops JJ up from the butcher's side, with the impromptu babysitter moving to the man and keeping him away as a small group forms around to see what the fuss is about. </p><p>They don't get any beef that day. </p><hr/><p>Ellie's tending to her hand in the bathroom when her wife appears in the doorway. JJ's voice is happily babbling from down the stairs, the smash of plastic toys echoing up. </p><p>"What was that about?"</p><p>"He's a bigot and spit in my face, so I punched him."</p><p>Dina sighs. </p><p>"We're probably gonna hear it from Maria."</p><p>"I don't care. Did you hear what he said?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>"She'll understand, then."</p><p>The auburn strokes her purpled knuckles with her other hand, wincing at the tenderness. </p><p>"El, you can't just punch people in the middle of town."</p><p>"What else was I supposed to do?"</p><p>"I don't know! Ignore him? Use your words?"</p><p>She shakes her head. "I'm not like you, Dina."</p><p>Dark eyes squint at her. "What am I like?"</p><p>"Better than me."</p><p>"What's that supposed to mean?"</p><p>Ellie turns too quickly to face Dina, tears already in her eyes. </p><p>"You're not a fucking <em>dyke</em>, Dina! You're wonderful and beautiful and you're not <em>wrong</em>." She sniffs, bringing the sleeve of her flannel up to her nose to wipe it. "I don't want anyone to call you that. <em>Ever</em>. I don't want anyone to look at you like that man looked at you today. Fuck. Maybe if I wasn't around...you'd be with a man. You wouldn't have to deal with this shit."</p><p>Dina looks like she's going to start crying, too. "Baby. You're not...you're not <em>wrong</em>."</p><p>"It feels that way sometimes. When people like that come around."</p><p>"Do you really care what they think?"</p><p>"No! But then they fucking <em>look</em> at me like I'm the worst thing on the planet and that makes me fucking hate myself!"</p><p>The dark haired woman doesn't have anything to say to that. Just a pained look on her face. She takes Ellie's face in her hands, eyes trying to find something before resting her forehead on her wife's. </p><p>Then their son cries that he's hungry and they notice how late it is. </p><p>"Can we talk about this before bed?"</p><p>Ellie nods.</p><p>They cook, eat, and spend time together, all attention focused on their son and not their tense moment in the bathroom. Soon enough, JJ's in his small bed in their shared room and the two women sit on the couch in the living room. Dina holds her wife's incomplete hand in her's, rubbing at the nubs. Ellie puts her head on the other woman's shoulder. </p><p>"Sometimes, I just feel like I'm wrong. Like...I don't know. 'Preferring' women, I guess. Maybe it's the wrong thing to be doing."</p><p>"How do you mean?"</p><p>"I've been called a bunch of names and gotten a lot of shit for it even before I came to Jackson. Before I even <em>knew </em>I liked women and not men. And it always gets to me. No matter how many times it happens. The way people say the words, the way their faces turn and get disgusted."</p><p>Dina nods and nuzzles deeper into Ellie's hair. </p><p>"I wish I could be like you. Or even Cat. Just say fuck off and forget about it."</p><p>"I wouldn't say I forget about it, El. It affects me too."</p><p>Ellie sniffles. "You're always so brave, though."</p><p>"Ha. If you say so, babe. But seriously. I get where you're coming from. It's hard to be secure in yourself when other people are knocking you down."</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>They sit in silence, save for the sound of their breathing. </p><p>"I feel bad sometimes, too, that I never want to fuck a guy. Like the whole...'doing your part' thing. 'Cause of my immunity. I know those assholes who say those things don't know about that. But that'd probably give them more of a reason to give me shit."</p><p>Dina snaps up a little bit at that. "Pfft. Baby. I'm sorry but I cannot picture you pregnant and having a little Ellie around. JJ's got enough of your wild streak in him."</p><p>"Do you ever wonder if it works like that? Like if I had a kid, they'd be immune too?"</p><p>"I dunno. Maybe."</p><p>Ellie sighs and removes her head from Dina's shoulder, pressing the back of it to the couch. "I don't want to fuck a dude and get pregnant."</p><p>The dark eyed woman laughs slightly, the flicker of the candlelight reflected in the deep, dark brown. "You don't have to, baby."</p><p>"I know. I'm just saying."</p><p>"Plus, I'm sure we can find a...sperm donor, I think they're called? Like they'd jack off into a cup and we'd put it on ice or something and I'd just use like, a baster to put it in you."</p><p>"Dina! Stop!" Ellie whines. </p><p>"Sorry, sorry. Just had a thought I was sharing!"</p><p>A stray lock of hair hangs over Ellie's face. She blows at it, too lazy to lift her hand to move it. Dina does it for her. </p><p>"Ellie, you know you're probably the best thing that's ever happened to me, right? Don't fight me on that. I know you want to say something. But you are. Even after everything we've been through. After you leaving and coming back. I have a home with my wife and my child. We have fucking <em>sheep</em>. I never thought I'd make it out of New Mexico. I never thought I'd make it two feet away from Talia's grave. But here I am. With you. And this is it. This is what living is."</p><p>The light eyed woman stays quiet, looking down at her and her wife's intertwined hands. </p><p>"I'm <em>happy</em>. This is <em>right</em>. And I hope that whatever doubt pops up in your mind, you'll tell me. Even if I have to tell you a million times that I don't want to be with a guy as long as you're breathing, even if I have to drag you away a billion times from punching some asshole who's calling us dykes, I'll do it. Because I love you."</p><p>Ellie feels small, guilty. "You think I'm worth all this trouble?"</p><p>"Trouble's your middle name, my dear. And yes, you are. You're the closest thing to a soulmate I've got. And yes, <em>fuck</em> what that motherfucker said earlier." Dina smiles valiantly, "No one talks to my woman like that. I'll have to fuck him up next time."</p><p>"Come on, you wouldn't really do that."</p><p>"Hey, if you hold onto JJ and make sure he doesn't see me do it, I'm game."</p><p>A crooked grin plays at Ellie's lips. "Maybe he'll think his Mama is cool."</p><p>"Yeah, but I don't want him thinking he can just beat the shit out of other people first thing. Gotta go with the verbal defense first."</p><p>"Well, I think you're cool." Ellie's lips find Dina's in the flickered darkness, the dark haired woman smiles into the kiss.</p><p>"I love you, D. A lot. I'm not as good with my words, but I just want you to be safe and happy. I hope you know that."</p><p>"I do, El. I do. I love you, too."</p><p>They kiss again with the sound crickets singing drifting in through the screen door. </p>
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